Oh Punk

I HATE Fortune Cat!

Christmas has long since come and gone, however I woke up to a very ugly reminder of this past holiday season.

One of my groups of friends -- self-dubbed Team Indecision (Team ID) -- has a star studded gift exchange at our annual Christmas party. Now the Secret Santa format for this gift exchange has proven to be the quintessential World Series of "Punakge."

It oftens brings out a some what mean -- but fun -- streak in each and everyone of us! Rather than buying our victims a nice pleasant and more-than-often useless gift, we tend to gravitate to purchasing thoughtful gifts of ridicule!

What do I mean by this? Here's a list of a few things people received over the past few years:

An ex-girlfriend of mine received the book: "How to get a job and keep it!" -- because she was going through a phase where she was uhhh, ummm, let's say continually changing jobs... ...but wait, it gets worse. She also was given a book entitled: "How to date a person who loves themself!" -- which wasn't quite as funny, since that book was actually making fun of me. Boo, it's NO fun when people hurt MY feelings -- laugh!

A friend of mine hated turkey, so she was shocked to open her present and find 40lbs of frozen Turkey Bacon!!! (Which I can assure you is better than the Secret Santa gift she got the following year: Skimpy lingerie, some whacky sex toys and of course, a few packages of Turkey Bacon...)

A.I, the movie buff, had pimped "Finding Nemo" non-stop one year. His present? A DVD copy of Finding Nemo coupled with a tissue box and LARGE bottle of KY Lubricating Jelly so he could use while watching the movie -- GROSS!

I myself was astonished by my present last time around. I had spent much of that December bragging about how well I could clean washrooms (ladies, take note...) so of course my Secret Santa gift was an enormous box fillled with every imaginable bathroom cleaning product. What the hell is Borax anyway?
This year we decided to change things up a bit. Instead of having a person assigned to each of us, everyone would have to bring a wrapped present to the party. Those who furnished a present, would have their names entered into a hat. A draw was held to see who would pick their present first.

The first person would choose a wrapped present from the pile and unwrap it.

The second person could then choose to steal the person before them's present, or choose a present from the pile. If they chose to steal someone else's present, the victim would be able to pick another present from the pile.

Stress - but could make for good fun right? Of course!

So I bought a moderately high-end set of Altec Lansing computer speakers complete with sub-woofer and special surround sound. An awesome gift by any means!

I wrapped my great present, brought it to the party and dropped it off with the other presents. Thanks to the appended "You can't choose your own present" I was banned from picking my still available present when I was drafted to pick second.

Rather than steal there person before mine pick's present (Karma Sutra books, hand cuffs and some other stuff - stupid friends...) I saw another large box. It had to be good right?


So I grabbed it. It was heavy. It certainly had to be good. Open it up and damn -- it was Fortune Cat! I HATE FORTUNE CAT!

You may have seen Fortune Cat in any your favourite Chinese owned businesses. It's apparently a superstitious good luck charm that brings you good fortune. I personally think it's UGLY and TACKY! It actually makes me mad everytime I see it.

"Fortune Cat brings you very best wishes may happity & happy hocks be with you forever..."

What the hell is that? That's what is says on the product tag! Maybe I'm a g'wai lo. Not sure. Regardless, I'm stuck with this stupid idol. Now it just sits and stares at me -- ugh!

And incase you were wondering, the person who brought "Fortune Cat" as a present purchased this monstrousity in hopes that I -- yes, me -- would be unfortunate to pick it from the pile! And by his reaction after I began to unwrap the box-- jumping up and down while screaming "Yes, yes! Yoou picked mine son!" -- I'm sure he was very happy of my choice.

Needless to say NO ONE stole my present. I hope I win the lottery just to spite y'alls that didn't steal my idol. Bitches.

Dear Fortune Cat, F**K YOU...

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