Oh Punk

The Great Eating Contest of 1996

(Warning, this post is abnormally long...)

With my big move just a few weeks away, I've been unbelievably busy sorting through old files and getting rid of trash. I was shocked by the amount of nostalgic and hilarious pieces of "historic Shaun" that I managed to salvage.

One of which was the Official Rules for the Great Eating Contest of 1996.

Pie & Hot dog eating contests had been around for decades, but there simply was no strategy to them. It was just just eat, eat and eat some more until you couldn't eat anymore!

Let's face it. If your name wasn't Big Bertha, you were not winning. Plain and simple.

We wanted to create an eating contest that would allow for strategy - and give us non-fat pigs a chance to bask in eating contest glory. Imagine being able to select foods that you loved, foods that you knew you could eat plates and plates of?

Imagine being able to select food that you knew your competitors would hate? Mmmm, chicken feet.

That was the plan - and with a very productive test run in 1995 a full set of rules were developed.

So armed with the following rules, thirty of us (then in grade 12, with mega-metabolisms) descended on a local Chinese buffet. We split our selves into 6 divisions of 5 contestants. Winners from each division competed in a final eat off.

My favourites rules have been bolded:

- Maximum of 10 minutes to examine the food choices prior to round one.

- Allergic contestants must announce their allergy(s) prior to the contest otherwise they will be subjected to the same treatment as all other contestants.

- All participants must finish a FULL glass of water before the end of the first round.

- Beverages are optional, and do not bear any merit toward the ranking of the eating contest.

- Only 5 entrees per round. 5 different contestants choose per round in round robin fasion. The order of choice will be determinied by a draw prior to the contest date.

- The person who chooses the entre must serve to all contestants in their division.

- When choosing a food selection there must be enough for all. (In the case that there is not enough food a reasonable subsitute of rice will be selected).

- When waiting to receive food, maintain a line for efficiency (Violation will result in disqualification)

- 51% Rule. If food does not taste appealing, a contestant may request a referndum on wether or not to "exclude the food." If there is a majority vote (51%), the food becomes officially exluded from the round, regardless if the contestants have already eaten it. There are no recounts on the 51% rule as the original decision stands. Voters may not revoke a choice during or after voting. The 51% may only be used 2 times per round. Voting takes place at the table, after chooser have selected food.

- Time per round will increase by 1.5 minute increments (ie. Round 1 - 10 minutes, Round 2 11.5 minutes)

- The clock starts once the last contestant to receive food sits down. No one may begin eating until the last contestant is seated, and the commencement of the
round is announced.

- Exceeding the time limit (while eating food) will result in disqualification.

- Once a food plate is touched, it can not be returned.

- The contestant must consume all good. Skin must be eaten (The following exceptions apply: bone, shell, husk, fat, oil, sauce, garnishings)

- Condiments are of the contestant's choice (Food must be eaten as is)

- It is the contestant's fault if too much salt / pepper / sauce / gravy / spice is added to one's meal.

- No food may be substituted (The following exceptions apply: in the case of allergies, the server may choose a suitable substitution)

- Dessert is considered an entree.

- Sabatoge is not tolerated. (No stealing another's napkins, cuttlery)

- Contestants must eat ALL food. If food falls on the table it is still edible. If contestant refuses to eat fallen food he/she must replace it with a full glass of water (note: this is one glass of water per food selection that has fallen). Those who purposely spill food WILL be disqualified.

- Washroom breaks after 3rd and 6th rounds. Contestants must go with at least 1
more contestant. Thime limit for each washroom break is 12 minutes.

- No sneaking food in to the toilet. Clothes will be searched for tissues, tupperware etc. Clothering material (ie jackets, bags) must be left behind during the two washroom breaks.

- After each round with the exception of rounds 3 & 6 there will be a chill period. (This time excludes food selection)

- Once a person has declared themselves ouf of the contest, they cannot re-enter.

- In the event of choking (Heimlick required or death inducing) the time required to resolve the event will be added onto the time remaining for that round)

- Unforseen events & conflictions to a rule are subject to the creation of new rule by means of the 51% rule.

Needless to say, the staff at China Buffet King were *NOT* impressed.

If I recall correctly as my division dwindled, some one actually did eat select chicken feet, and I just couldn't eat it. So although I wasn't stuffed, I still lost. Defeated by strategy! Sad.

Ahhh, being young and stupid. I miss those days...

There are 3 comments:

At 8:37 AM, Anonymous Lil Lex said...

Good times, good times.

At 4:43 PM, Anonymous chin said...

ah the 51% rule. i forgot who came up with that. we should apply that rule to our lives!

At 5:26 PM, Anonymous Shaun said...

I don't know who came up with it -- but as usual -- I'll take credit for it. Thanks.

Hey Ashton Kutcher, interested in buying the rights to the 51% rule?


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