Oh Punk

Mary Poppins, where you at dawg?

I'm beat!

After weeks and weeks of prepping, I'm finally all packed and ready to move! Impressive? F**king right it is. What you see here -- my mountain of remaining junk -- just needs to be thrown out. Ugh, where's Mary Poppins when you need her?

What's funny is that if you look very closely, there are a bunch of library books strewn in the mix.

Altogether, they total 24 in number. They have been "checked out" since June 2003.

The funniest part of this is that the lame-ass university that I attended, no names, continues to charge me a daily overdue fine for the books. At last check my library fine was sitting pretty at the $4,500 mark.

$4,500 in library fines!? Are you fucking kidding me?

Why would I even consider paying that? I could buy a mail order Russian bride with that kind of dough.

So the other day, one of the book-nazis who mans the library command centre called me and left another voicemail -- they've actually done it before! The nerve! What stalkers...

"Hi Shaun. This is the University of Toronto library. We have another graduate student who really needs to use the books that you have had out since June 2003. He desperately needs them for his thesis. If you could return them it would be very much appreciated."
Laugh! That is sooooo funny.

But in efforts to be less of a jerk, I already decided that 2006 would be a great year to clean up any drama and/or messes, so what better a time to return these dusty old books?

While heading downtown to see a client a few days later, I popped by the library carrying a basket with the books.

The 'omo of a desk clerk -- What? He was wearing the SAME bright pink American Eagle shirt that a girl I went out with before was wearing -- gives me a bad look, "Yes?"

I wanted to say "You're allegedly a man, you're wearing a pink shirt, and work at the library as a temp or whatever the fuck you do. You're not even a librarian you poser. You're the last person to give me a bad look..." but, I opted for conversation instead:

Me: "Uh yeah, I've got these books. There's about $4500 in fines on them. Can you clear them please?"
Clerk (in that gay Queer Eye for the Straight guy voice as he scans the first book): "No can do. That's a matter for the head librarian. You'll have to return the books first."
Me: "I'm not returning the books then.." (while grabbing the books back)
Clerk: "You have to!"
Me: "No"
Clerk: "Why not? Just return the books, you can sort out the issue later"
Me: "Do you think I'm fucking retarded? I'm not leaving these books here so your lame asses can bill me $4500. I know these are limited World War II prints. These are hostages! Fuck y'all. Tell your boss to call me."
I just grabbed the books and bolted from the lobby (this was a BIG lobby, as in the library is 14 storeys tall). He blurted something about calling the University Police, but whatever, what can they do? They're a bunch of fairies who ride bikes around campus -- "Hey, look at us. We're big bad University Police. We prance around and intimidate Computer Engineering Students. Are you boys stealing wireless internet? You need a spanking.." *shudder*

Anyway, the head library person, has been calling me and leaving messages about returning the books. - and that he can work out a deal to lower the fine to about $2500.

Fuck nikka. I said, "I ain't paying no fines." I'm not speaking Chinese here (if so, John -- he's Koreano -- I need a translation!).

So enough is enough. I'm going to make one of those Jihad-like hostage videos -- except instead of French truck drivers I'll substitute these rare World War II books. Laugh! It'll be gold. Gold Jerry!

I'll even mail the head library guy a non-descript box stuffed with a DVD copy of the hostage video along with a few ripped pages from the books.

If they really want their books, they're going to play by my rules. Otherwise, I'm going to tape some of my stripper friends in bikinis dancing to Nelly's "It's getting hot in herre" while throwing the books into the lake.

I can't wait! I know, I'm selfish *rubbing hands*

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