Oh Punk

Farewell to the gym!

Yesterday was slightly bitter-sweet. With access to a trendy private gym -- fully equipped with LCD televisions -- within my building (see left), there's no need for me to continue with my existing $36-a-month gym membership.

What really struck me, was when the girl at the counter found out that I was cancelling my membership, she dropped a "Why? We're going to miss you!" and then called her co-worker over, "Shaun's cancelling his membership!" The other girl came over and started saying things like "Awww, don't go..." and "You better come and visit..."

It was really nice that they genuinely didn't want me to cancel my mebership. It kind-of brought back those last-day-of-school feelings that you felt when you were finally leaving elementary or high school.

How sad. There are so many things that I've gotten accustomed with, and not to mention the people. What about all those gym characters that I saw on a daily basis? There was...

Cyclops
This 6'4" beast of a man, sported a nice battle-scar across his eye as well as miscoloured glass eye -- from which he probably could summon some laser powers or something. He benched a ton of weight, but also had the voice of Tyson... Mike Tyson

Selfish
How could I ever forget Selfish? That fucking guy was selfish! He'd use one bench to workout bench to lift weights, while hogging an adjacent bench to stash his towel and water bottle. To make matters worse, he'd stalk and chat with every girl. Using up all their free time, so none of us could get access. His "cock blocking" skills put mine to shame.

Who-likes-short-shorts?
Fresh off a boat that's been lost at sea since 1984. This mo'fo had 48" legs and wore shorts (that looked like cheap boxers) that were 6" long. Everytime, this giraffe-man strided by we'd hum that "Who likes short-shorts?" song. Hmmm-hmm-hm-hm...

Daredevil
Ahh Daredevil. The one stalker that every gym has! This would be him. I was first introduced to him after hearing him creepily ask people if they saw the movie Daredevil. After being rejected by everyone in the gym, he stood by me. I knew what he was going to ask me, but didn't make eye contact. He stood there beside me for minutes! Finally I raised my head "Hey, have you seen Daredevil?" he said -- CREEPY! The best time was when he asked Chin: "See any good movies lately?" Chin says "Nah man, haven't seen anything lately but you know who watched a movie last night? That guy!" while pointing to me. Daredevil walks over. "Hey see any good movies? Your friend said you saw a movie last night?" Me: "Nah man, I hate movies. What type of movies do you like?" (I could see Chin laughing in the background). Daredevil: "I love science fiction?" Me: "You do? So does that guy" -- said while pointing back to Chin -- "He's got every science fiction movie ever, you should ask him to borrow some..." Sadly this continued a few more times. We're mean, yes.

The Rebel Billionaire
Yes, that's right! Richard Branson -- the Rebel Billionaire -- worked out in my old gym. Complete with beard, and dishoveled hair: "Oh snap! Look over there yo. It's the Rebel Billionaire. Rebel Billionaire is in the house!"

Vings
So there was this guy who always would run up to us touch. "So you want to work on your 'vings'? Move your back like this..." Me: "Oh okay, thanks man" ... the guy leaves ... my friend Chin chimes in mockingly "So you want to work on your 'vings'? WTF is that?" .. Me: "Ohhh.. wings! He was trying to say wings..." -- the worst part about all this was that I was made responsible to interview for a new position at work. So I go down to HR to do the interview, open the door, and fucking "Vings" is there. I had to interview him. Two days later: "Sorry man, our company wound up hiring internally" (in otherwords "You suck!" and no, there are no other jobs at my office -- leave me alone!)

Is-that-a-Maxim?
I haven't see this clown often, but I was holding a Maxim magazine in the change room while waiting for my friend. This guy, completely naked (maybe he was toweled, I don't remember) emerges from the shower, runs up to me "Hey is that a Maxim???" and grabs the cover. "What, you've never seen a fucking Maxim before?" (This ain't the Dead Sea Scrolls son)

The Old Man
Ohh the old man. I'm so happy every time I see him at the gym, it means he's still alive. Seriously. This guy must be pushing his 90s, but he's at the gym... and the worst part is he's going at the weights hardcore. He'll grab the machines with his gardening gloves and just pull as hard as he can. "Yo man, do you think he's going to have a heart attack?"

Samsonite
Ahh the tan-man. This leather face, had the greasiest hair, big gold chains, and wrinkles on his body. And the worst? He'd stand at the sink counter, naked, doing his hair and/or having a conversation in broken English/Portugese to misc other old/naked people. Put on some clothes, this isn't Luggage Expo 2007.

Mary-Ann
She rocked! She was this bitter, divorced, older lady who told it to you straight. Potty mouthed, and full of dating advice: "Sounds like she's a lying cheating whore, you don't need something like that" or "Hey Chin, what about that girl. Let me hook you up. " (Me: "Hook me up! I like her too!") .. I'll miss the cakes and tarts she cooked for us -- and I'll miss pretending to eat them, while stupid Chin rats me out and tells her that I never ate the cakes, even though I told her I did, and that they were delicious.

Hot Eastern European Lady
Oh man. Sure she was tall enough to play in the NBA, and was probably at least 38 years old, but I'd make an exception. Her shirts always matched her shoes. "Yo, she's wearing white pants today..." *smack* ... said while walking into a wall!

Highschool Girl
I haven't seen her so often, but yo! -- when you wake up on Saturday mornings make sure you wash the make-up and glitter off your face from the night before! People like us laugh at you.

Filipino-Dream-team
If two older guys -- one grossly out of shape -- in their late 50's ask you to play basketball with them, just say no. If you play them, they WILL take you to school as if T-Mac was your bus driver.

Are-Listening-son?
And this interesting duo is whom I noticed on the day of my last workout. A father and son pair. The father in great shape for his age. The teenager? Decked in jeans and a t-shirt. Moaps around while his dad says: "And this is how you spot someone..." The kid would be in dreamworld half the time, and the minute the father said, alright you can wait for me to finish my workout he bee-lines for the couches and whips out his Playstation Portable!

Chin
"And Chinnie.. I'm going to miss you :( You were a great gym partner" *wink* (said in a flamer voice)

Ohhh my old gym, I'm going to miss it!

There are 13 comments:



At 9:28 PM, Anonymous Chin said...

1) that's really gay of you to say you'll miss me... even though i'll miss you too >sheds tear<
2) but what i won't miss is you wasting my time sitting on the bench while you talk to random character. fuck shaun, move your ass, can't you see i need to work my glutes? >smacks ass and admires in mirror<
3) you missed the following people i'm sure you'll miss:

- Richard Moll from Night court and his two rocker sons.
- that half egyptian pyt. >snap< >snap< >snap<
- gay gym worker who provides useful yet unsolicited information. the one who you affectingly call "fag" laugh!
- the other pyt who works there. the one w/the mildly hair arms. yeah, you know the one...

4) also, i'm going to be sick of telling people you're no longer going to the gym. the following people have asked "where my friend" is: the nice jamaican lady who used to also work at cityhall, the brown guy who works there on saturday, the gay filipino guy who works the desk, Nicole* who also works there.



*Nicole btw has earned a gloss in our dictionary. "NicoleSyndrome (or NS)" is when a pyt looks pretty one month, then let's it go the next.

example:
"Yo, Suzie used to look good. What happened?"
"NS, man. NicoleSyndrome"

 
At 9:39 PM, Anonymous Shaun said...

Oh snap! Yeah man - NS is such a waste. Especially when you we saw her that one day in the tight top on the ellipitcal.

Me: "Forget working out, I'm standing here - the view is awesome!"

A.I: "Agreed..." (even Mister I only like women who look like *insert misc model name here* agreed!)

And then.. literally two weeks later -- "Yo Nicole, wtf happened to you?"

Nicole: "Well I've been studying a lot lately, and worked at the club until 6am last night..."

Ahhh NS....

 
At 9:41 PM, Anonymous Kenzi Chino said...

Hey guys - masc, genuinely good looking (not the type of guy you'd expect to be posting something like this), tall, lean built, down to earth guy has a fantasy - to have a muscle built guy show off for me - pose, flex, etc.. other stuff I'd be into is watchin you jack off and/or blowing you, oiling you up, havin you talk down to me, etc. Obviously I'd prefer a handsome guy, but the top priority is that you are muscled, and a bit of an exhibitionist. Drop me a line, pics to trade, very discrete.

 
At 9:42 PM, Anonymous James "flash" Gordon said...

I am 6.2, white, clean cut, fit, nice build with smooth definition at 185lbs and cut. I like guys who are similar and looking for J/O, Oral and body contact (massages).

Safe all the way and nothing else. Healthy and very clean.

Just two goodlooking guys getting together for mutual discrete safe play ONLY.

Between 30 - 45 years old and white, repectful, discrete and sane!

 
At 9:46 PM, Anonymous Prince Paulo said...

hot young submissive dude here....lookin for older HUNG daddies...nothing gets me harder than being on my knees for an older hung dude....lookin to suck till you nut on my face. preferably something ongoing. i'm 24, 6'3, 185lbs, smooth upper bod, worked out....available to travel only. check out my pic below...if you're serious, send me a pic, and if you're lucky i'll respond with my digits for faster hookup...no bullshit here, all serious, you be too.

check me out

 
At 9:53 PM, Anonymous Shaun said...

WTF? is this?

 
At 10:44 PM, Anonymous Greg said...

Wow, everything seemed normal when you left work today, then I log on and its suddenly Brokeback Blog... WTF is right...

Is this courtesy of your friends that helped you move...

 
At 1:52 PM, Anonymous Shaun said...

Not quite sure.. but it's funny..

Damn these flaming spammers...

 
At 4:23 PM, Anonymous BSUID=1 said...

Brokeback blog lmao! hahha your guys are all gay!

 
At 5:22 PM, Anonymous FRQSTR=19027932x219050:1:1439x232133:1:1440|19027932|19027932|19027932|19027932 said...

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At 5:24 PM, Anonymous FRQSTR=19027932x219050:1:1439x232133:1:1440|19027932|19027932|19027932|19027932 said...

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At 11:19 AM, Anonymous USELESS MAN said...

You're in Toronto and you have a gym membership for under $40? I'm getting completely ripped off...

And I'm not getting any fitter!

 
At 5:07 AM, Anonymous Shaun said...

Community centres man! It's cheap(er) there -- but minus the hot women content. But serves the purpose... also pretend to be a student or senior if you're already not... and you're set!

voila!

 

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