Oh Punk

Locker Wars: You want a piece of me?

I can't believe some people. A few weeks ago I posted about some "douche-bags" who hi-jacked my storage locker.

Can you believe that? I moved in late because I was on a higher floor, and while I was
"not-moved-in" some freaks just threw their junk into my designated storage cage, slapped a lock on it and claimed it as theirs!

Now it wouldn't be a huge problem, but I did pay $5,000 for this little 3x6 foot cage. I want it back!

Maybe it was an accident? But it's been two months and I tried everything. I've tried to be diplomatic. I put up a note, no response. I've called. No response. I've called the building's property management; I called my customer service people; I even called security, what a joke. Not a single response back.

I hadn't checked on the locker for a few weeks and figured these squatters would have finally packed up and left. WRONG!

When I saw their tacky belongings still stashed in my locker, I just lost it. My blood boiled. There must've been white hot steam whistling from my ears!

I stormed to my car, tore up the streets and raced to hardware store. After grabbing the most industrial bolt-cutter I could find, I lugged it over my shoulder and raced back to the building. I looked like a freak, Casey Jones even. Just marching through the lobby and elevator with this weapon of destruction. I didn't care about all the weird looks I got.

The bolt cutter ripped open their lock with a single snap -- snippy, snippy! I emptied out their stereo, some luggage and a few albums. Fuck them! I even managed to keep a few brand new Ikea lamps -- one for my self, and one as a house warming present for a friend! I don't give a fuck -- I'm gangsta.

Do they think I'm joking around? Do I have all the time in the world to write silly notes? Gimme a break. I'm not one of these math fairies that prance around my building. I will mess you up if you waste my time.

To make things interesting, I will also be auctioning their belongings on eBay to re-cover my costs -- hey, I'm an expensive guy! I've got better things to do on my precious Sunday afternoon. Auction to be posted soon: So if you're looking for some luggage, or a few Tommy Hilfiger bags or even pics of this guy's wife in bikinis -- here's where to get'em!

And just incase they retaliated, I covered the inside of my cage with a water resistant tarp. I also used a chemical sealer and cold-welded all the bolts around the cage, tie strapped the housing, and used a hack-proof, bullet resistant lock to secure the door.

I also found a few house-warming cards while moving their crap, so I gathered a bit of background info on them. How stalkerish -- but hey, I didn't pry, it just fell into my lap!

So I used this info to write them a personalized little note.

The note merely stated that their belongings have been removed, will be auctioned, and I strongly recommend that they do not attempt to retaliate or I will be paying them a personal visit. I then proceeded to use their names (first and last of course) and wished them a great day! Scary? Laugh. What a bunch of losers -- probably shaking in their boots. They're lucky I didn't track down their car and steal the rims.

Point of the story, don't mess with people like me. We'll get you back. Maybe not today. Not tomorrow, but we own. On a side note, "Awwww, sometimes I wish I was a real mafia person" *sigh*

Above: Open sesame biatch! (I also liked the caption "Say 'ahhh' Mother Fuc....")

Above: Yeah, I'd like to see them break that open! And if they do, you'll see...

There are 12 comments:

At 9:35 PM, Anonymous Chin said...

sensationalism at its best!

At 10:08 PM, Anonymous Chantel DeVires said...

Well this is my first time here and you are so my style so I thought I'd take a chance by posting a message on here....like they say "You never know".I am a single 30yr old parent...gotta put that out there right away cause I don't like misunderstandings.I am 5'3,weigh about 130pds with dirty blond hair and hazel eyes.I would like to talk and maybe meet a nice,attractive,intellegent man.Someone who likes the same things as me(hopefully)..hehe.I like(well love)kissing,hugging,dancing,rollerskating(I know not many people do that any more but there's always ROLLERBLADING...I'm willing to learn),biting(hmmm gotta love that!),reading,cats,my sugarglider,movies,and bikeriding.Well the list can go on but I don't want this to be too long.If you wanna know more just ask.If you like those things and your in the downtown Toronto area and are between the ages of 24-35,then please respond.Take a chance cause you never know.

you are my rebel
check me out

At 11:41 PM, Anonymous Shaun said...

Sensationalism indeed.. I think I might have to start deleting these posts from the "Gays"

At 11:46 AM, Anonymous Ru said...

ok now, i could not imagine going thru this myself..you did handle it gangsta..i would have just waiting a around till i saw them face to face and then let them have it. sad thing is..ive done stuff like that before over a parking space in my apts..i couldnt help it..they were habital line steppers and it had to stop lol

At 2:02 PM, Anonymous Jonathan said...

Thanks for stopping by at Bloody Awful Poetry! "Antics, punkage, sensationalism" must be the best blog tagline ever!

J x

At 2:46 PM, Anonymous Malik said...


This blog kicks ass. And I think you bike near my place.


At 2:49 PM, Anonymous Malik said...


This blog kicks ass! And you bike near my place.



At 11:07 PM, Anonymous rubes said...

Ahhhhhhhhhh classic Shaun and his antics! Man remind me not to get on your bad side, or better yet can I hire you for some payback.....

At 10:46 AM, Anonymous USELESS MAN said...

You handled this precisely how any of us would! You are truly worthy!

Of course, there is still one small flaw in your plan... Although your lock is impenetrable, and the hinges and such, the actual cage is wire thin. Your bolt cutters would cut that like cheese.

Still, I don't think that will be much of a problem after your kindly worded letter of intent to the squatters.

Great post. Probably good for your blood pressure to get it out there too. May they never need to use this as evidence in court.


At 11:45 PM, Anonymous Shaun said...

Hire me for payback? I'll do it for free. Lets got pour a giant bucket of industrial 3M glue on someone's driveway and sprinkle a field of tiny metal ball bearings! It'll look "SOOOOOO pretty" but... it'll be a bitch to get out.. ahhh revenge.. so sweet, isn't it?

Especially if it's deserved for something bad someone did to you? It's even better -- especially when it's unexpected. HA.

As for the whole court thing? Blah. I should take THEM to court... they scammed MY locker.. lol...

(The guy who took the locker though was massive! Big brown guy with huge muscles. Not that I'm scared or anything.. but... makes things interesting...)

At 2:50 PM, Anonymous Tony said...

Loved the whole "taking the streets" back mentality. I'm curious as to why you call yourself a "math fairy"?

At 9:56 PM, Anonymous Robin said...

Whoa! I've had that E-x-a-c-t Mofo'ing, kind of storage room BS happen to me when I was living in Montreal, I totally aped on the people when I finally grabbed them, literally grabbed them. They claimed not to have a key, and brother-cousin-buddy-friend who was overseas had the key.... I cut off the lock in front of them with some Carbon City bolt cutters, and made them camel their brother-cousin-buddy-friend's possessions outta MY space. I told them if it happened again, I'd cut off their fingers while waving the bolt cutters. They got the message. If someone ignores even one of your notes about space, they deserve the 'Cutter Action' in a nanosecond. Enjoy your Blog, drop by and visit ours sometime.



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