Oh Punk

Bags!

Let's talk about bags! I ran into a bunch of different ones this weekend...

AIR BAGS

Back in 1990 I was completely jealous of kids with Reebok Pumps. Remember these (Click for commercial)? And I don't blame my parents for never getting me them: Why would anyone spend $150 on shoes for an 11 year-old who not only would destroy them but outgrow of them in less than six months.

The thought of a pump in any shoe now would be just ridiculous -- not to mention the actual physical motion of pumping the shoes. Unless you're rocking a Vuarnet T-Shirt and C&C Music Factory in your walkman, you're not impressing anyone with those antics.

Unfortunately, sixteen years later, the desire for a owning pump-powered shoes still burned within me. This weekend, armed with my own stash of cash, I picked up a pair of Sidney Crosby Reebok Pump 2.0 shoes for the gym (Yes, I still hate hockey).

The pump has come a long way since Grade 7. The shoe now pumps up to 5 PSI automatically as you walk, talk about high tech. And the best part is the release (of course). Check out this video of my shoes:



MONEY BAGS

While meeting with regards to my bonus compensation, I dropped the ridiculous idea of implementing some crazy risky proposition that would mean mega bucks if I overachieved on my targets but the slightest miss of any quota would mean certain doom with regards to bonus pay. The person I proposed this to goes:

"No offence, but we can't implement something like this. While you probably waste all of your bonus money on condoms, everyone else here needs that money for diapers..."

I thought that was hilarious! But, I have a good point: If I don't spend all of my bonus money on condoms, I myself would have a diaper expense! Oh well, there's always that Cash-for-Life that I won (right Al?)


FUN BAGS

Now I remember why I stopped entertaining strippers. On Friday, I reluctantly met some friends at a local upscale stripclub. We ran into a business acquintance and sure enough drink after drink started to hit our table. Before you knew it, some trashy (but hot) stripper was on my lap.


Her: .. Yeah, I don't really drive so working here is tough. Do you drive?
Me: Of course!
Her: What kind of car do you drive?
Me: An Acura, and I just picked up a Mercedes-Benz SL500 (I didn't buy it yet, but I can still drop that line, right? I have the brouchure, it's just as good right?)
Her: What!? I love that car. We should go for a ride some time.
Me: Maybe, we'll see.
Her: Here's my number.

(Just a few seconds later)

Her: And put your hand on my boob -- just don't touch right there.. I just had them adjusted...

WTF? Ugh. I hate some strippers...


BARF BAGS

I just love driving on those nights when your buddies have been drinking heavily. You always wind up having at least one "I'm so drunk, I may have to throw up" occupant. On Saturday night, I had two. I wish I was driving someone else's car because I'd run with some Transporter driving tactics and have everyone throwing up all over the place. It wouldn't be my car, I wouldn't care. Hilarious!

On that note, this picture of someone (I won't say who, but he was the birthday boy!) from way back in Grade 11 after football practice is just so awesome:



Happy birthday biatch! (I told you, I'd do this!)


GARBAGE BAGS

Thanks to my recent "I-can't-eat-junk-food-cuz-I-have-to-pay-a-$30-penatly-each-time-I-do" ban, I wound up opening a bag of chips but couldn't eat them (without having to pay $30). My co-worker Greg ate a few and then tossed the Smoky Bacon chips right into the garbage. I was soooooo hungry, I actually contemplated pulling the gross flavoured chips out of the garbage, paying the $30 and eating them! What's wrong with me?!


Above: Still good, still good! Right?


DOUCHE BAGS

Teenage kids need to get beaten. While leaving a local mall, some punk kid just nonchalantly stroleld across the street. He could clearly see I was driving, but he strutted his stuff in slow motion. So, I popped the clutch and just revved the engine high while inching towards him. He stopped. He stared at me. I inched closer. He scowled. I inched closer. He slammed his hand on the hood of my car!

"What's up? You want some of me!" the killed yelled out.

What the fuck? Who does this kid think he is?

I fucking just slammed on the breaks. Grabbed my Club from shotgun, popped out of the car,"Sure, why don't I bash you skull in you little fucking pussy!"

It was pretty funny how his jaw dropped and suddenly started backpeddling with the "I'm sorry man... my bad" type of comments.

I love how kids think they're so gangsta these days. "Gimme a break kid, I'll fuck you up!"* I swear, just give me a reason.

*Things, my parole officer does not want to hear me say. Ok, so I don't have a parole officer, BUT if I did, I'm sure she wouldn't want to hear that. She'd also look like this (HOT!)


Above: Not only does the trusty club protect your car from would be intruders, it doesn't count as a prohibited weapon charge when used in a street fight, and if you're ever stuck underwater you can break your windows open with it. It also makes a fabulous bookend for the auto-enthusiast in every home!


BODY BAGS

I took a limo down to the Bill's home opener yesterday. I came home, and woke up with a killer migraine. A few meds and sleep later, I just woke up not to long ago -- it's already night. Falcons game is is about to start so more on that in a separate post! I still feel so dead...

There are 7 comments:



At 11:25 PM, Anonymous Greg said...

Killer migrane???? You had like 2 Smirnoff Ice's you lightweight. I was in at 8:30 this morning....

 
At 1:08 AM, Anonymous Shaun said...

Laugh! It wasn't from the drinks -- I just had a migraine. Must've been the day old sushi -- or the chocolates (eaten State side of course) that did it!

I'll be good for later today! Ha.

 
At 12:33 AM, Anonymous DeathMachine said...

Shaun's such a fuckin gansta, it ain't even funny. Threatening to beat up teenage kids and shit. That's gangsta, yo.

 
At 1:31 AM, Anonymous Shaun said...

Oh come on! An adult dressed up in nice "going out clothes" coming out and fighting some punk 17 year old is always appreciated! Right? Right?

 
At 2:34 AM, Anonymous DeathMachine said...

and god that's a funny pic of greg. lol. You must print flyers.

 
At 2:37 AM, Anonymous DeathMachine said...

Shaun, let's be realistic. 2 teenage GIRLS with Hasslehoff lunch boxes would hand you your ass, let alone two teenage boys.

 
At 9:09 AM, Anonymous Shaun said...

re: Greg picture. Yes, this very funny - he had it on this t-shirt under the shirt he was wearing! I need the original pic.

Who are you btw?

PS. And 2 teenages girls? Are they hot at least? Laugh.

 

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