Oh Punk

... from my cold dead hands!

While I was enjoying my routine Thursday afternoon massage, I couldn't stop thinking about how hungry I was. This whole workout-twice-a-day thing has been doing a real number on my metabolism. It's as if I'm 17 all over again!

The moment my massage ended -- unhappily of course (it wasn't one of THOSE massages you sickos) -- I bolted to the neighbouring Japanese restaurant and ordered an assortment of sushi rolls.

Excited about my delicious food, I darted to my car. I was in such haste, my dangling keys carelessly banged against the driverside door of a parked car. BANG!

Before I could even stop and inspect for any damage, I heard: "WHAT THE FUCK?"

In the passenger seat sat a stocky, shaved headed, Portuguese punk (I knew he was Portuguese because his car was covered in Azores and Portugal paraphanalia, *rolls eyes*, loser)

He poked his thick head out the window of his pride and joy -- a repainted 1994 Honda Civic hatchback, polished with a set of rims that he's probably still paying for -- "YOU BETTER NOT HAVE SCRATCHED THIS MAN..."

My eyes locked on to his door. No scratches anywhere, I wasn't in a mood to fight anyone. I discreetly slipped my keys into my pocket.

Me: "Sorry man, I just had major mandible surgery and my hand twitched involuntarily. Don't worry, your car isn't stratched. It looks okay, take a look.."

Guy: "What? I heard a scrath noise," he said while inspecting for damage.

Me: "Yeah. That was my hand -- it's metal. I mean it looks real, but it's not. I lost my hand in a train accident and I replaced it with a robotic one," I said while showing my hand.

Guy: "For real?"

Me: "Yeah man. They finally put real skin over robot parts, but you can still tell under certain lights. Anyway, it's been acting up, so I have to get it checked out. Sorry about hitting your car, I didn't mean it..."

Guy: "ARE YOU SERIOUS??? It looks so real!"

He's super shocked at this point!

Me: "Of course! I was worried people would be able to tell it's fake..." - I again showed him my hand while making the fingers move very slowly -- "Touch my hand right there that's actually Titanium," I said while pointing to a bone.

He reluctantly pressed against my hand bone with his finger.

Guy: "Yo, that's fucked! It's cold like metal. I only thought this stuff was in the movies!"

What the fuck? The guy touched my hand bone and believed that it was metal? It's only cold, because it's cold outside fucker -- what a loser.

I spent the next minute or so telling him about some other non-existent cyborg technology that I saw while at the lab. This stuff was all still highly experimental. *laugh*

What made this extordinairily awesome was the fact that this guy was just eating this stuff up -- and I was keeping a straight face.

Ahhh uneducated people, it's fun playing with their minds.

The best part of this exercise is that I told him he could see all of the cyborg technology online at the company's website. Just do a good search for Cyberdyne Systems, which of course leads you to Wikipedia's definition:
As depicted in the film The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Cyberdyne is initially a benign manufacturing corporation in Los Angeles, California. After a T-800 series Terminator, Cyberdyne Systems Model 101— a cyborg from the future, designed to kill humans — is crushed in one of the company's hydraulic presses, the company secretly begins manufacturing technological devices based on reverse engineering the Terminator's remains.

I hope his stupid ass looks this up, should be so awesome!


There are 9 comments:

At 12:36 PM, Anonymous gorimakpa said...

really funny :)
i'm having difficulty believing this story though!....

At 1:39 PM, Anonymous Shaun said...

Straight up man -- I'm telling you as it is...

Maybe he was just humouring me and thought I was some freak -- but -- I really don't think that's the case! lol..

At 8:50 PM, Anonymous Greg said...

Should have told him that it was tied into Skynet for automatic diagnosis...

At 11:13 AM, Anonymous Shaun said...

Or dropped these lines:

"I hope you'll have room because I'm going to ram it in to your stomach..."

"Who's your dad, and what does he do?"

"You lack discipline"

"My CPU is a neuro-net processor, a learning computer..."

Wicked....... ahh Arnold, http://www.ebaumsworld.com/arnolds2.html

At 12:50 PM, Anonymous Mike said...

Great story! The thing is people will believe anything at all if you say it with confidence (and don't burst out laughing, of course).

At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Blondie said...

ARE YOU SERIOUS?! hahaha, what's wrong with you?! I probably would have turned the car on and drove it directly into you if you had told me your hand was metal.

At 9:44 PM, Anonymous claudia said...

This is very amusing. I like doing stuff like that but I have never said any body part was fake.

At 8:38 PM, Anonymous Tanya said...

Wow you win the shit talker award of the year. If you really do this and get away with it you must be a good actor.

At 1:09 AM, Anonymous Shaun said...

Blondie: Wouldn't it be funny if I picked up your car with my metal hand and threw across the parking lot?

Claudia: Do you have pics of these body parts? (jk jk!)

Tanya: *bow* Thank you:)


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