Warp 9 to my Funeral
Remember when David Schwimmer made good movies?
Uhh, wait.. a.. second...
Anyhow, for some unknown bizzaro reason I came across this 1996 craptastical flick -- circa the era when every Friend from Joey to Phoebe were trying their luck with movies.
Although I couldn't recall anything about this forgotten hit, I did remember my friend Chin's post on being a Pallbearer at his uncle's funeral:
I was asked to be one of the pallbearers for the funeral. Decked out in my finest barong, I felt it was an honor to be asked. The funny thing is that the coffin is pretty heavy! You know when you carry something heavy with one arm? Then your body naturally tilts away from that side and your opposite arm slightly lifts up? Yeah, that. I was trying to avoid being that “yo, that guy’s weak” guy.
This in turn made me think: when I die, and if I somehow get TeamID to carry my casket, I’m going to write in my will that my coffin be lined with a whole shit load of 45lb plates and shit. Lead and steel and all of that! Then when that one person loses his grip – which would then cause the rest of everyone else to drop the coffin, it’d fall crashing to the ground with my limp ass body rolling out of the lid. Everyone starts screaming! Hahaha! Just the thought of seeing Shaun and Al trying to ‘poke’ my body back into the box makes me laugh!
Can you believe that? The worst part is that just after thinking about this (as hilarious as it is) my friends randomly started talking about MY FUNERAL. And since they know I absolutely despise speaking about our own deaths, they ran with it.
And what are their plans for my funeral? They're going to dress my ass up in a Star Trek space suit, and instead of a coffin I'm being placed in a Star Fleet torpedo tube.
To top things off, they'll be building a life size cardboard cut out of me (dressed in a Star Trek costume) equipped with buttons which when pressed say "my favourite" Star Trek sayings in my voice. A soundboard of sorts!
What the fuck? I fucking HATE Star Trek! I really, really hate that shit. Seriously.
I'll admit that when I was a young kid I caught a couple epsidoes and know a little bit about the show. BUT, that does not mean that I love that shit. I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it.
What stupid logic is that? Really? I also know about the Holocaust, does that make me a Nazi?
Why are ya'll pinning this Star Trek shit on me?
If any of y'all do this at my funeral, I swear, I'll come back and haunt you!
I'm a ghost biatch!
Above: Imagine a set up like this? Oh my. Not good, not good at all: "Make it so...."
Tags: pallbearer caskets startrek star trek funeral
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