Oh Punk

Neighbourly Encounters: RIP Clifford

Don't you just hate when you get stuck in an elevator with freaks? Ugh!

Early this morning, I bundled together a pile of garbage that was too large to drop down the disposal chute. I was working from home today, so I figured I'd quickly run down and toss the garbage in the service area before I started making some calls.

I slipped on some shoes, hopped into the hallway and pressed the elevator button.

"Ding"

The elevator doors opened and I lugged the heavy bag in behind me. Just as I was about to press the button for the ground floor, a blur dove into the elevator. It was the weirdo-freak from my floor!

I always seem to atract these socially inept stalker types, and this guy, Jacob, is no exception. He's as dumb as Gumby, speaks terribly slow, continually asks me ridiculous and pointless questions -- and to top things off -- babbles on, and on, and on about his incredibly boring life.

Please find me some dust. I will gladly eat it in exchange for freedom from this captivity. Can I swing this deal?

Apparently not this morning. He looks over and smiles: "Hey buddy. Looks like you're dragging some very heavy garbage this morning. What do you have in there? A dead pig?"

I wasn't in the mood for chatting this more so I glared back at him emotionlessly.


Me: "Actually, it's my dog Clifford. He died yesterday..."

Him:
"What? You're throwing your dog out? In the garbage?"

Me:
"Yeah..."

It was actually pretty funny. He gave me a very disturbed / shocked look. Doesn't matter. Hopefully, he'll start avoiding me -- instead of me -- trying to avoid him.

On that note, I thought it was particularly funny that when I was trying to randomly shoot out a dog's name, the first one that came to mind was Clifford the Red Dog.

Ahh Clifford. Is it me, but am I the only one who notices that Clifford the Red Dog is a GIANT. I mean he's bigger than a four storey building!

How can kids possibly love that? Aren't they scared? He'd swallow them in one gulp! If Clifford came to my town, I'd be running! Trampling over old ladies. Driving even! Call the army, call the airforce -- blow that mo'fo up before he attacks!

And, have you ever seen the covers of the Clifford books? They're hilarious -- especially when you change the titles around. I had a few minutes and butchered a few Clifford titles:


Above: See what I mean? Would you run up to this?


Above: Ugh! Is he trying to poo? What's with that smile on his face?


Above: Clifford you fucking racist... (I know, I'm going to hell -- but I couldn't resist...)

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There are 2 comments:



At 9:04 PM, Anonymous Chin said...

actually, his name is "Clifford the Big Red Dog"

 
At 11:00 PM, Anonymous Shaun said...

YOu are correct fine sir.

Do you not find it funny that there were a whole bunch of puppy Clifford books... and all of a sudden in one book he just ate and became giant.

The writes must've been on ACID or something! What a nightmare!

 

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