Oh Punk

Waitressing: The good, the bad, the ugly!

I eat out quite often. Clarification: I eat out at restaurants quite often. Needless to say, I run into waitresses on nearly a daily basis.

I have finally realized that a fantastic waitress cannot be solely based on how much she resembles the picture above (tragic), but rather her ability to be "down".

Considering that their income is primarily derived from tips which is based on their level of service, you'd imagine waitstaff would want to be down all the time! And for the most part they are...

A good example of this was a waitress that recently served a couple friends and I. We popped in for a some dinner and a few drinks. The waitress we had was fantastic. Although was incredibly busy, she still found the time to patient, informative and funny (see, I didn't even mention that she was super hot) ...

... most importantly, she was down! So down that while one of my friends scooted off to the washroom just prior to her taking of our drink order, she helped us play a prank on him: While we enjoyed pints of Alexander Keith's beer, we had her pour him a pint of the bar's worst quality beer, Labatt's Blue Light *barf*, served in an official Keith's glass!

Since the bar didn't have Blue Light on tap, she actually opened individual bottles of beer out back and filled his glass. She continued to do this all night, while our friend kept on drinking "Mmmm this Keith's is great beer!"

On the third or fourth refill -- instead of secretly filling up a Keith's pint glass out back, our waitress brought out the opened bottles of Blue light and poured it into the glass infront of him. My friend was all like "What the hell?" His look of horror and disappointment was fantastic!

"Your friends have been making me pour these for you all night, you haven't noticed, so I figured it wouldn't make that much of a difference if you knew or not!"

Now that's an awesome waitress! Plus: Despite us being dressed like bums the level of service was over the top -- and this was just a bar...

Tonight was MUCH different. Several friends and I gathered at Mamma Martino's, a decent and popular Italian restaurant in Toronto. Upon entering, we noticed the retaurant was at half capacity. Not too busy right?

We stood there. Waited. Waited. Nothing.

Waited a bit more. A few servers walked by. Nothing.

A bus boy. Nothing.

A couple more servers. Not a glance. Nothing!

Could it be the way we were dressed? Nope! We were all dressed well. The staff here just sucked.

Finally this fat pig (beast) of a woman waddled up to us. The exact words from her lips: "How many?"

Are you kidding me? We waited all this time by the "Please wait to be seated sign" and she couldn't even greet us with a "Hello" or "Sorry for the wait" ... maybe the rest of her customers didn't have a back bone and would just take that crap, but not me.

I looked at her in disgust and said "seven."

She quickly said, well you'll have to wait a bit. At this point I was disgusted. I didn't even look at her... "How long is a bit?"

Before she could even answer, I turned and told my friends "Forget this place let's just go to *insert name of fancier neighbouring competition restaurant here*" and just turned around and walked out the door with out saying anything to her.

And, I've eaten here and don't see what the big deal is! I'd rather eat Fruit Loops and milk (seriously!)

I'm sure at the end of the day our $400 of business wasn't a big deal to Mamma Martino, but at least one thing will remain constant tomorrow morning: Our waitress/hostess will still be a sloppy, frumpy, tatooed pig! I think I'm going to call them tomorrow and let them know their pig needs to be kept on a tighter leash. Yes. Yes, I will. Oink, Oink biatch!

Moral of the story is if you're a server -- even if you've had a rough day -- be nice to your customers, because jerks such as myself will ensure that you do not get paid.

My friend later brought up the point that I always have to teach people lessons -- which is true -- but would you really want to eat at a place like that if your welcome was so poor? Do you think she would ever remotely compare the waitress I described earlier? Exactly!

Speaking of teaching lessons, I've been watching Arrested Development lately. It's off the hook funny. I literally fell of my chair when I saw this ultimate LESSON TEACHING video clip:



Oh man, I can't wait to be old and have kids -- hahahaha -- you know that old man driving the car will be me! "And that's why we write notes!"

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